frankly im at a loss for words. i have things i want to say but at the same time i dont want to because, as ive discussed millions of times before, with so many people who i speak with, the people i love, even with the people i love most out of everyone i know... i hate speaking about my problems. i feel like an seeker of attention whenever i do and i don't know why. i have so many of them bottled up and some i've had for over a year, maybe even several years... i've never let them out to anyone because of this and that's a problem i've had for too long. i can't fix it. i can't change as a person. my entire family is currently celebrating new year's and i'm not even with them because i'm too focused on the overwhelming existential dread that new years bring as well as all of my other problems. i don't know if i want to go down with them or not. they're not the people i want to be around right now but i feel like i'll be missing something. i miss out on a lot of things, frankly. the feeling of not being at somewhere at its prime is horrible, especially when it's something that's important or enjoyable or anything else like that... i'd probably miss my own funeral when i die. that's another thing i worry about. mortality isn't fun to think about so i most likely won't get into it. maybe later. for now, i'll just bask in my own thoughts and the mistakes i've made over time, especially within this year....... and a happy new year, to the nobody that's reading this. can't even call this a "happy" new year, i'm not having it. i can't deal with any of this right now... actually, forget all that. im quite tired as of writing this now but its almost the end of new years day and i feel a lot better, believe it or not! all the thoughts ive written down remain in my head but i have better things to do than ponder in negativity. had a pretty good, albeit uneventful day. the whole time ive been stressed about this assignment that i (kind of) had over the break. i go back in jan 3rd and we started it mid-december, if i remember correctly. in our english class we were supposed to write our own "myths" and i had come up with the dumbest idea i could think of. to put it simply, it's about kanye west going to ikea. i'll probably upload it somewhere on this site, with a link to it on this specific text right here. remember to do that, hudson. anywho i've only gotten done with about a third-ish of it because ive had a lot of ideas for it and i dont wanna scrap em. sadly this is gonna be hard to do because i really don't know if i could finish ALL OF IT in one day, considering theres no way in hell ill be doing it tonight considering how exhausted i am... hey, at least i'm not feelin' like crap anymore i suppose. hey im writing this from my school, god DAMN these chromebooks suck. what i hate about them is that, for one, everything ever is blocked. no explanation needed from that but its all so strict. chromebooks in general, aside from the school moderation, are kinda just sucky in general! nothing runs on the things, other than the things that are already on it and, if you're one of the goddamn LUNATICS that use a chromebook outside of school environments, the things you can download from google play or whatever it is. but hey, at least i got that essay done. you can scroll back up and find a link to it in here.